To Watch “Beloved Le Mans 24 Hour Endurance Race,” Whiny Bitch Turns to JavaOS

The 2018 24 Hours of LeMans is an hour away from its halfway mark and it looks like I will fail once again in my year­ly attempt to artic­u­late why it’s such an intense, one-of-a-kind expe­ri­ence, but I’ve includ­ed my progress in this go so far just below.

For 5 con­sec­u­tive Junes, I’ve made a point to stay up one whole week­end in order to fol­low “The Super­bowl of Motor­sport” — a few quaint men hurl­ing them­selves around a dou­ble-dig­it, flap­per-era French rib­bon in machines built specif­i­cal­ly to tor­ture them­selves with record-break­ing effi­cien­cy — to “wit­ness the pin­na­cle of engi­neer­ing, dri­ving, and ath­let­ic excel­lence.” In 2016, I even both­ered a young Extra­tone with this entire­ly off-beat event, which Tim, Kaleb and I unsuc­cess­ful­ly attempt­ed to stream on YouTube. Every year, I spend some of the day try­ing to artic­u­late why exact­ly this one race is so mag­i­cal. At 6 this morn­ing, this year’s 86th annu­al Cir­cuit des 24 Heures du Mans began with a green flag wav­ing more than 5100 miles away. Imme­di­ate­ly after­wards, Andre Lot­ter­er was too late to brake, crash­ing into Ben Han­ley and com­i­cal­ly releas­ing the entire nose of his LMP car. The release of a year’s worth of antic­i­pa­tion and prepa­ra­tion often makes the first few hours of the race feel like a mad dash.

You can­not spend one sec­ond look­ing back,” com­ment­ed a Radi­oLe­Mans host after just half a minute had passed. (I still can’t keep up with their names even after all these years, but they are step one of LeMans watch­ing.) By 6:11, the his­toric and infa­mous­ly-dan­ger­ous Cir­cuit de la Sarthe was declared wet. Since 2015, I’ve cheered on a par­tic­u­lar Brazil­ian veg­an called Fer­nan­do Rees through two tours with Aston Mar­tin Rac­ing – my favorite team – and one with Corvette, last year, but nei­ther he nor his team are present this time.

Com­mit­ted­ly keep­ing up with a motor­sport event designed more for man­u­fac­tur­ers and stark tra­di­tion than its fans – the luck­i­est of whom nap in track­side tents amid the rain and com­bus­tive son­ic hell on the oth­er side of the plan­et – which has served as the pin­na­cle emo­tion­al, phys­i­cal, and tech­ni­cal tri­al (yes, in that order) through­out the entire his­to­ry of auto rac­ing does not sound like a pos­i­tive expe­ri­ence, but emo­tion­al­ly, I’ve become deeply inter­twined with LeMans and formed a rela­tion­ship with it like no oth­er has approached or even approx­i­mat­ed with any oth­er sport­ing event. I wish I knew enough about the his­to­ry and tech­ni­cal­i­ties of endurance motor­sport to write about it pro­fes­sion­al­ly because the sto­ries it gen­er­ates are always engag­ing, no mat­ter what. Jack­ie Chan and Patrick Dempsey are LeMans’ most rec­og­niz­able patrons to the gen­er­al pub­lic.

My beloved Le Mans 24 Hour Endurance Race has start­ed. I can not close my eyes until Toyota’s vic­to­ry moment. Shar­ing impres­sion of LM to all over the world#LeMans24

— ぽめぽめ51 (@51chanman1) June 16, 2018


It’s long since been rea­son­able for me to pre­tend I’m able to com­plete­ly sep­a­rate auto­mo­tive top­ics from Extra­tone, so I final­ly gave in and cre­at­ed a Honk chan­nel in our Dis­cord. Please feel free to stop by and/or invite your friends with the link

Spectre Open

The break­ingtrend­ing news about my dear­est lit­tle Libel is prob­a­bly quite bad. It turns out, my charg­er cable trip­ping inci­dent a few weeks ago was a tru­ly-destruc­tive one. I not only destroyed the X360’s DC port but the port’s brack­et as well. Would you believe me if I told you I actu­al­ly found cof­fee stains on the bot­tom of its cool­ing fan? I expe­dit­ed a new port and strug­gled to install it today — though I orig­i­nal­ly got its charg­ing indi­ca­tion LED to light up pos­i­tive­ly, the fid­dling that was required, fol­low­ing appears to have dam­aged either the new part or the machine, itself — I can no longer elic­it any response from it what­so­ev­er. I have a feel­ing some sol­der­ing would do the trick, but every day with­out a com­put­er of my own to use presents a prob­lem if I’m to accom­plish any Extra­tone-relat­ed work at all.

Please give me a break: the last time I had to dis­as­sem­ble a com­put­er to this extent, Dual-Core CPUs were just becom­ing afford­able. The prop­er avenue for the cable is also less than an after­thought, yad­da yad­da, etc. etc. (“The Open Web” refers only to my right to com­plain to absolute­ly no one but The Good Gourd.)

Spectre DC Port

Google Ana­lyt­ics is act­ing a fool (it turns out, all I need­ed to do to get us back up in search results for “Extra­tone” was com­plete­ly break my account,) but I’ll be damned if authen­ti­cat­ing The Extranet with Bing wasn’t the quick­est web-admin­is­tra­tive task I’ve ever done. Less than 60 sec­onds to ver­i­fy and approve com­pre­hen­sive sitemaps — no fuck­ing lie. Despite our huge down­time at the begin­ning of the year, both it and Duck­Duck­Go were quick to rec­og­nize us as the top rel­e­vant result for “Extra­tone,” leav­ing only Google to Square The Fuck Up. Grant­ed, you’re appar­ent­ly more like­ly to be sent our way if you’re look­ing for “opg,” “om6,” “u3u,” or “ruu.” If that’s how you’ve end­ed up here, wel­come and con­grat­u­la­tions! This is, indeed, the place you’ve sought.


Editor’s Note: Please dis­re­gard the JavaOS data — that’s all me.